Choosing The Perfect Travel Companion

EDITOR'S NOTES: Rob Sangster writes from experience about how to choose a travel partner.

We recognize ourselves in the solo traveler. He’s the guy playing his guitar for a group of locals in a Peruvian restaurant. She’s the woman with a backpack striding past us on the trail up Annapurna. We recognize their walk and their gear. They are icons. They set their own itinerary and make decisions to suit only themselves. And they choose their own pace. Cornelia Parker wrote, “What is your thrill may be my bore. I cannot imagine what fire and pillage I would commit if someone were in a position to keep me looking at things longer than I wanted to look.” Local people are likely to invite her for a meal or a stay in their home. She solves problems and learns new skills—because she has to—and builds her self-confidence in the bargain. They have time for contemplation and don’t have to deal with someone else’s mood swings. On their own, they’re free to meet someone who might turn out to be very important in their lives.

Then There's Reality

Traveling solo offers generous rewards, but the fact is most people won’t consider leaving home without a partner. That’s fine, of course, so long as they know what they’re getting into. Ignore Mark Twain’s insight at your peril: “There ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or you hate them than to travel with them.” Traveling with a partner is like paddling a canoe together. If not synchronized, paddles are likely to clash and the canoe might capsize. Best take a short trip together before tackling heavy white water. Even traveling with someone you think you know well may reveal how superficial your relationship has been. Conflict on the road can fracture a relationship, even a marriage. So make the choice of a partner with great care.

The Ideal Travel Partner

Finding the ideal travel partner is easier than finding the source of the Nile or safe passage around Cape Horn—but not much. The ideal travel partner is:

• Someone with whom you agree on the vision for the trip: Do you agree on destinations? Is one of you thinking of an adventure-seeking trip while the other dreams of long afternoons lying on the beach? Does one love to hike while the other wants a taxi if the restaurant is two blocks away? Do you like to search out new places, while your partner would rather return every day to a familiar café? It’s not a question of who’s right; it’s a matter of being certain the trip has the same shape for both of you. Identify and reconcile differences before leaving home.
• Someone with the same tolerance for risk: How do you both feel about riding on top of the bus, hiking without a guide, spending the night at the top of the Mayan pyramid, or visiting areas that may not be completely safe?
• Someone who feels the same way you do about intimacy: Is romance on the agenda? Do you feel okay about sharing a room or a bed? Make the wrong assumptions about this one and it may be a very long trip.
• Someone with whom you agree about the budget: Reasonable people can become very weird when it comes to money. Are you thinking of paying $12 a night for a hotel room, but your prospective partner won’t be comfortable for less than $112? On Gili Trawangan, an easygoing tropical island near Bali, I met a couple barely into their honeymoon. They’d just moved into a clean bungalow with a bathroom, decent beds, and a fan—only 50 feet from the gentle waves—all for $15 a night. He was delighted by the place and the price. A few hours later, they stood on the front deck arguing about her desire to return to the mainland and the comforts of a beach resort hotel at $150 per night. That’s a reminder of the risks in traveling with a “significant other,” especially when romance is in first bloom.
• You’ll both be consuming meals, groceries, medical supplies, and possibly liquor, but not in equal quantities: Do you prefer to split things evenly or pay for exactly what you consume? One approach is to pool enough money for meals and incidentals for a week and pay joint expenses from this common wallet. You may settle up every country or two, or after returning home. Just be sure you’re both satisfied. Talk about money in advance, keep it in perspective, and adjust as you go.
• Someone who operates on a similar clock: The day person/night person issue has plagued more than a few travelers. As Thoreau put it, “The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.” Would one of you become crazed if the other took an hour to dress? A stickler for punctuality and orderliness could lose his mind in the occasional chaos of the less-developed world, or even in a messy hotel room. If one partner dedicates himself to late-night partying and the other prefers visiting local markets at dawn, there’s a problem on the horizon.
• Partners can also fall out over the timing of meals: You might wake up ravenous, but your partner prefers to have breakfast in mid-morning. You may want three meals a day while your partner would rather wing it, snacking out of the daypack.
• Someone whose energy level and pace are similar to yours: If you don’t have compatible degrees of fitness, you may not be able to travel well as a team.
• Someone who’s realistic about health problems: This means leveling with each other about health issues and considering the implications in advance of your trip, especially an arduous one. The important thing is that both partners share the same expectations.
• Someone who has a flexible, even-tempered personality: There are bumps in the road that would jostle anyone’s cart. Travel requires dealing with uncertainties and solving problems. If you’re considering traveling with someone who blows up easily or criticizes and complains non-stop at home, take a cold shower and start over. Look for a partner with a sense of humor and who understands that most frustrations arise from the very differences in culture that make a place worth visiting.
• Someone whose personal habits are compatible with yours: Do you have similar feelings about alcohol? Cigarettes? Illegal drugs? If one partner spreads his gear over every available surface, will the other flip out? If one of you snores like a chainsaw . . . well, then what? No judgments, just a reality check before the plane rolls down the runway.
• Someone who will share the load and keep agreements: Someone you can count on.
• Someone who recognizes the need for quiet time: Most of us aren’t used to spending 24 hours a day within 50 feet of the same person, so too little privacy can lead to a contagious case of crankiness. If one partner needs an occasional meal alone, a solitary walk, a solo day, or some parallel travel, the other partner should respect that need without feeling rejected.
• Someone who will communicate: If there’s a problem, a molehill of small resentments can become volcanic if not dealt with immediately. Agree to express, calmly and right away, your feelings about each other’s behavior or whatever the issue is.
• Someone who can solve problems in creative ways: Choose some regular time, like Sunday breakfast, to discuss candidly how you both feel the trip is going. Are you spending money at about the right rate? Does the pace make you both happy? Is it time to alter the itinerary or make any other changes? Are you having fun?
• Someone you like! Nothing is more important.
• Finally, a cardinal rule about partners: Never expect that someone will change just because he or she is on a trip.

What's The Point?

Travel costs less with a partner. Since a single room usually costs at least 80 percent of the price of a double room, your lodging costs drop when you split room rent 50/50. The same is true for expenses such as taxis, guidebooks, medicine, and reading material. If you’re on a tour, having a partner prevents paying a stiff single supplement charge.

• It can be a relief to divide daily chores, such as changing money, buying tickets, finding a room, or figuring out how to get across town to hear a local band.
• You’re safer when traveling with someone. Even walking down the street is considerably safer for two or more. Having a partner is especially helpful to women for repelling unwanted advances.
• If the lonesome, homesick blues show up, a partner can be a cheerful presence.
• Traveling with someone who speaks the local language makes daily life easier.
• If a health problem arises, a partner assumes the attributes of an angel.
• Partners create a synergy that leads to unexpected pleasures. On a cold, drizzly afternoon in Paris I was thinking of settling down for a few hours of writing and coffee in a neighborhood café. But my partner suggested we call a local couple who were friends of a friend (the kind of phone number you accept before you leave, never intending to use it). They invited us for dinner. As it turned out, he headed a major European news service and she ran an international modeling agency. We became friends and they loaded us up with fantastic contacts that changed the quality of the rest of the three-month trip. For years after that, every one of her models who came to California for a shoot arrived with my law firm’s business card in her pocket.
• When the trip is history, the two of you can reminisce over dinner.

Expectations

Here’s an example of mismatched expectations. An acquaintance of mine who held the Guinness Book of World Records title as the "Most Traveled Man" has been married and divorced six times. But he had an explanation: “During courtship, each of my wives said she loved travel, but every one of them was thinking about the QEII and the Ritz, not about riding some dirty ship from one godforsaken island to another."

Rob Sangster’s Traveler’s Tool Kit: How to Travel Absolutely Anywhere (3rd ed., Menasha Ridge Press) is essential reading for anyone setting out to see the world. It contains more than 500 pages of Rob’s road-tested information and advice on every aspect of independent world travel. Contact him at rob@sangster.com. Reprinted with permission from Transitions Abroad magazine. Visit transitionsabroad.com.